My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
