I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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