god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
