There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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