Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
