Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
