So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
