i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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