My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
