I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
