Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
