i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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