i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
