Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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