i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm passing your future prison.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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