i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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