feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
