You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
