rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
