"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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