The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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