Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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