He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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