When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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