be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
