please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
