do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
