I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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