I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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