pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
