He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
