Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
