Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
