That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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