I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
