I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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