Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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