My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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