"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
