Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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