At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
