I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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