I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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