I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
