Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
