3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
