help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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