I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
