i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
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I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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