Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
