What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
