Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
